Never Going to Fit In

A friend of mine visited me at work today with his 10 month old son. I haven't seen this friend in probably a year (we leave in the same city, but adult lives are busy) and had never met his son. It was such a fun visit, but the second they left the panic set in.

We were too loud. FAR too loud for this museum of an office.

We visited for too long, I know we did. I just miss my friend so much and his little boy was so cute. And I was only obsessing over the formatting of an excel spreadsheet when they came in, not exactly important work. Still, I know this was no 15 minute professionally acceptable personal visit.

Am I ever going to not feel this way? Will I ever let go of this dread. People are judging me, people are mad at me, I've done something *wrong*. This is what my brain is hammered with.

Is it because of my trauma inducing experience in my last job, or is it because of the "professional environment" of my current job? 

Why don't I fit in?? Will I ever fit in? Or am I just too damn loud, boisterous, and unprofessional?

I hate feeling this way. Paranoid. Small. Judged.

And I'm not sure if I am completely crazy or if some of this perception is accurate?

I don't know I don't know I don't know!

I just know I want to get out of here before someone sits me down to have a "talk"...

Childhood

There are a lot of little things throughout my day which cause me to flashback to a memory of my childhood. Usually these memories make me cringe, mentally.

I think childhood is really rather depressing, in general. And I don't mean to say that I was a sad or depressed child, because I don't think I was. I feel like a was a pretty happy kid for the most part. But childhood is so...rigid and constricting. You don't get to make a whole lot of choices for yourself. You don't know all the things you need to or wish you did. And for many situations you are totally at the mercy of the grown ups around you. That sounds so scary to me as an adult. And I don't mean you are at their mercy like they can hurt you or something bad like that. I just mean, as a kid, you don't know what you are supposed to do in a given situation, so you have to rely on your grown ups. If *they* don't really know what to do either, the situation can go badly and you're stuck in it and its not your fault. That doesn't sound very clear...

Maybe its my trust issues. I'm incredibly self-reliant to the point of stressing myself out because I refuse to delegate tasks to others. So thinking about being a child who *can"t* do things for herself just freaks me out and makes me sad. I think about times when I said or did something stupid. Obviously I know better now, but I wish I could go back in time and insert my grown up knowledge into the situation so I wouldn't feel pained when I recall the memory later.

I remember looooooong boring summers when I was trapped at home because my mom and dad both worked full time and I wasn't allowed to ride my bike very far from home (not until I was a teenager). Some of my friends lived across town so I couldn't play with them except on weekends when it was pre-arranged - even in the summer! I remember getting stomach aches over the thought of being stuck in school all day. What if I don't feel well? What if I look like an idiot in gym class? (Don't even get me started on gym class...)

Apparently, other people wish they could go back to being a kid, when they had "no responsibilities". I don't think of it that way at all. You couldn't pay me enough money to give up my independence and freedom, just to go back to a time when I didn't have a job or bills to pay. I will gladly take the job and the bills. And the internet.

Maybe that's the problem! When I was a kid, the internet was still very new. We didn't get a family PC until I was in the 5th or 6th grade. And even then, the internet was nothing like it is now. No social networking, no Google, no Wikipedia. There were AOL chat rooms and websites that you had to know the exact web address for. That was pretty much all I knew about. Plus, I only had one other friend who had a computer with the internet. You couldn't sit online all day, even if there had been cool websites or social networking - the modem (yep, the modem: *bingbongbing! Schreeeeeeeeech!*) tied up the phone line. The internet=freedom when you're stuck somewhere - doesn't matter if its a 10 year old stuck at home in the middle of summer or a business person stuck in an airport on an unexpectedly long layover. If you have the internet, you don't feel so claustrophobic.

Now, the younger me had no idea what she was missing out on, since Facebook and Wikipedia were still years away from even being conceived. But the adult me just can't handle the thought of how constricting and tiny my child world was. I would wonder about things all the time: how does this work, where is that country, why does that happen? The internet has the answers for me now, but then, I was just stuck wondering. How horrifying...

Gray Days, Gray Thoughts

I really wish the weather didn't impact my mood so much. This day is annoying enough without gray skies bringing me down. Its one of those days where every tasks sounds so simple, and then its anything but. And I can't figure out what the answers are because I don't understand what's wrong. That just keeps happening over and over today. It is so *frustrating*.

I'm used to working on a team of women who are like sisters to me. People who I can be very real with and be like "Am I just stupid? Because I'm not getting this." or "Is this actually a problem, or is this person just being obnoxiously picky and I can't make them happy?". There is nothing like that here. Not that I don't feel supported, not that people aren't friendly. But its not at all what I'm used to. So when something frustrates me, I don't have any of my old coping skills to fall back on. My co-workers *were* my coping mechanisms. Now what do I do? Just be frustrated until I figure this shit out I guess.

One positive thing I can say is this: Now that my interview with the investigation team looking into my old department is over, I think I can honestly say I'm tired of talking about what happened to me. Its so long, and stupid, and still unbelievable the things that were done, the things that were said, the way I was treated. And I'm just plain tired of reliving it. I didn't even cry during my 4 hour interview. I welled up once, but I didn't cry. I got good and mad though. I think that's progress, that I'm moving through the phases of processing my feelings and moving on. By the end of this year, I hope I don't give it a second thought. The people who hurt me don't deserve to make a lasting impression on me. They are petty, small people and I will not be weighed down by their memory.

Now to cheer myself out of this funk by listening to cheap, fluffy pop music...

Confession: I sing in the car

I don't mean just kind of be-bopping along to the music, maybe belting a line or two.

I mean I perform full on concerts in the car, emoting, making facial expressions, and generally looking a fool to other drivers, I'm sure. Do I care? Hell no! LOL! I absolutely love singing - it is probably my most favorite thing to do. If I couldn't sing, like became tone deaf or lost my voice suddenly, I would have to be talked of the ledge, that's how upset I would be. This is not to say I think I have the most amaaazing voice ever or anything. I'm actually really self conscious about singing in front of people unless I am performing on stage in a show. Basically, I don't mind if people watch me sing as a character, but I get very nervous about people watching ME, CurlySue, sing. Yeah, that's a little weird - feel free to arm chair psychologize me.

So, because I'm self-conscious about people watching me sing and because its generally socially unacceptable to go throughout your day emoting songs everywhere ( why *can't my life be a musical??), I sing in the car. This works out great for me since I have a 35 minute commute to and from work. Plenty of time to screech those high notes and pretend I'm performing in my favorite musical shows. If you're ever on the road and notice a driver who looks like they are yelling on their bluetooth and being overly expressive, they are probably a total nerd like me and singing their heart out in the car. Heck, maybe its even me!

Going Down a Hole

Its just one of those days where my emotional triggers are thick on the ground. And in the moment, I am fine, laugh it off, cope beautifully. Thirty minutes later I find that I've been sitting at my desk, useless, spacing out for far too long.

It was bad enough having to endure the annual parade of pregnant bellies at my doctor's office. That alone could have had me moody and picking at old mental scabs. But to make things even more fun, I got an email from a member of upper management in my old department. A person I once regarded as a friend and now as someone who stood by and did nothing while I was manipulated and abused in the office for months on end.

So I space out and let my thoughts drift back on everything painful that I am still fighting to recover from. I am so much more fragile than I want to be. I want to brush off these bad encounters. I want to stand up for myself and tell my doctor that her IVF lecture is not going to change my mind, so save it! Don't undermine months of my own thoughtful consideration and make it sound like I am making the wrong choice. I want to *not* be the polite and bigger person in my communications with my old department. I want to scream at them, all of them, that they should be ashamed for tearing apart my self confidence - and they can go to hell for all I care.

But the only place those scenarios will play out is in my head and on this page.

Doubt fills me up and there's no room for anything useful. The spreadsheets will quietly wait for me and the budget doesn't mind gathering dust for a day. I'm busy trying to wade my way through this mental quagmire and hoping to come out the other side where I know my choices are right for me and no one has the right to tell me how to feel or how to value myself.

And then I will contemplate filling out the survey related to all my horrible experiences with my old department and fall right back down the hole...

Curly Girl Part Deux

As a continuation of my informative rant on curly hair...

How does one reduce or eliminate sulfates and silicone from their hair routine and yet still clean and condition her hair?

First of all, train yourself to read ingredient labels. There are some shampoos out there that either have no, or at least less harsh, sulfates. These shampoos still clean your hair, I promise! They just don't strip your hair dry and that's a good thing. There are also conditioners that do not contain silicone (or other -cones). These conditioners still give you that lovely slippery feeling in your hair and guess what! Its actually moisturizing your hair as opposed to coating it in an impenetrable force-field! Excellent.

Second, you do not need to wash your hair everyday. You know the old instructions of 'lather, rinse, repeat?' Yeah, that gets you a one-way ticket to rats' nest city. Remember, curly hair doesn't get the natural oils all the way down the hair shaft. Try shampooing every other day and use waaaaay less shampoo than you are used to. Focus your cleansing efforts at the scalp because that is where the oils may build up on a curly head. The ends of your hair will be sufficiently cleansed by the shampoo rinsing through it as you rinse your hair after washing. Seriously. Some curly girls only shampoo once a week and I promise you, their head/hair does not look gross and greasy.

Had to throw in a Doctor Who reference

Third, and possibly most important, moisturize, moisturize, MOISTURIZE! That's not just frizz on your head - it is desperately dry hair crying out for moisture. You need to condition every time you shower (yep, even if you aren't washing that day). Some curly girls co-wash which means they use a
conditioner as a shampoo, basically. They use the conditioner to cleanse their hair - that is how important moisture is. Again, though, you have to be certain your conditioner contains no "-cones". I myself have a rinse-out conditioner, a leave-in conditioner, and jojoba oil. And I will use all three to ensure my hair is sufficiently moisturized for the day. Yeah.

Just say NO to brushing curly hair!

Fourth, back away from the brushes, fine-toothed combs, and hot tools! No sudden moves, no funny business! Now, we're gonna throw these things away or kindly donate them to someone who really does have straight hair. You're in curly girl world now, where your only tools are a WIDE-toothed comb and a hairdryer with a diffuser attachment. So help me, if you use a hairdryer *without* a diffuser, I will not be held responsible for how your hair punishes you! You can, of course, air dry your hair, but if you want/need to dry your hair faster, a diffuser is absolutely required. It allows the warm air to reach your hair without BLOWING IT EVERYWHERE and destroying your curl pattern.

Does this all sound complicated? I'd say its certainly easier than the on-going fight a lot of women have with their curly hair. When you stop fighting nature and just treat your curls with love, they will love you back (usually). Tending to curly hair is kind of like taking care of a cat: sometimes, out of nowhere, it bites your hand while you are petting it. For hair, the weather is often to blame for bad behavior days. For cats... Well, they're just ass holes sometimes.

I started following the Curly Girl Method in the summer of 2011 and I will NEVER go back to the old way of hair-care. My hair is so much more predictable and reliably good looking now. Before CG, I would spend 30-45 minutes on my hair every morning and I never knew what I was going to get. It might look amazing, it might look like my head had been attacked by a flock of birds. I hated that! Now, I generally know based on the weather what my issues may be for the day and I adjust my routine accordingly. 30 minutes of effort gets me a great head of hair, not a coin toss!

This is just a basic overview of the fundamentals of the Curly Girl Method. Anybody could find a wealth of information on the internet through discussion forums, social networking sites, and especially You Tube. Google is your friend. You can always tell a Curly Girl from someone who just happens to have curly hair because we tend to go all religious fanaticism about our hair care. But I wouldn't have it any other way! I may not have Taylor Swift hair, but I think my *real* curly hair is more interesting anyway :-)

Plus, curly girls get to enjoy funny stuff like this!

Curly Girl

Let's talk about hair for a minute. If you were born with stick straight hair, then you are rather a lucky one. I know straight haired women bemoan their lifeless locks, but seriously, you have no idea what it is like to be on the other side. I know curls *look* like fun, but the day in day out care taking of curls is a job in its own right. And besides, straight haired people can be curly on a whim anytime they want. There's only 157 different curling methods on Pinterest and Youtube ranging from hot rollers to socks overnight. We curly girls can't use any of those methods because they fuck with our natural curl pattern.

This is a fantasy - these curls do not occur in nature

And then you've got folks like our lady Taylor Swift here - propagating lies about what "naturally curly hair" looks like. Fess up, Taylor! How many stylists and how many hours to achieve that look?? If you had to use curling irons, curlers, etc. then what we have here is not her natural curl pattern and therefore not an example of naturally curly hair.

Seems kind of silly how worked up I can get over hair, huh?

Well you're WRONG! - *ahem*...

Over the years I've become a kind of radical militant about the cause for naturally curly hair and how to care for it. You know why? Because the rest of the world - all the non-curlies out there- don't know dick about curly hair and yet still try to instruct us about what to do with our hair. ::swivels neck:: You don't *know* me! You don't know my life! That's right, I pulled out the sassy attitude. Because curly hair gets a bad rap in popular culture, advertising, and the media in general. Well I'm here to defend it and speak out the truth!

First of all, most people have *some* curl to their hair - be it the gentlest of wave pattern or super kinky-curly. If you call yourself straight-haired, but find yourself flat ironing out a natural wave or even frizz, you my friend are a curly-girl in denial. And that accounts for a LOT of people.

Right now, straight hair is the ideal, at least in American popular culture (I can't speak to other nations). I can't tell you how many magazine articles and morning/daytime talk shows I have come across that claim to show you how to tame your hair during the humid months of summer or whatever. They refer to waves and curls as "frizz". Stick straight is the way and if its not stick straight, then you man-handle that hair with tools and products until it IS stick straight! (By the way, a lot of the products and tools they tout can be really bad for your hair in the long run).

Don't tell me straight is the standard for beauty.
This hair is *gorgeous*! Can I scalp her and wear her hair??

Am I sounding crunchy granola enough yet? Well just wait - it gets worse ;-)

The book Curly Girl: The Handbook Changed. My. Life. It opened my eyes to the fact that I had been trained to hate my curls by companies that bank off of our desperation to control them. Gels, Mousse, Shampoos, Conditioners, Waxes, Pomades...All full of moisture depriving sulfates, silicones, alcohols, and parabens. Bad BAD juju for curly hair. But we fall for the commercials and the photo ads. The empty promises that if we just use their products, we too can have Taylor Swift's mythical, perfectly coiffed hair. In reality, their products only serve to make our curls dehydrated, damaged, and angry. Oh so very angry.

So let's be real. Do you have "frizz"? Do you flat iron to get rid of your hair's natural wave? Are you a curly girl in denial? Its time to come out of the closet. Stop hating and abusing your hair and start loving it! Here's the deal:

Rule 1.) No sulfates.

Probably 90% of all shampoos on the market contain sulfates. These chemicals are extremely cheap and extremely harsh cleansers. Oh they cleanse alright - they remove every last drop of natural oil from your scalp and hair shafts. 'But,' you say, 'that's a good thing right? Oils are gross and dirty, that's why we wash our hair!' Well, yes and no. We need *some* oils on our hair or it dries out. Straight haired people (and yes, a lot of the lighter, wavy curly girls, too) have to wash their hair everyday because oils from the scalp slide on down the hair shaft unimpeded. Not so for those with curls. The oils don't travel down a curly hair shaft as easily so we tend to have dry hair. Washing with sulfates only makes the situation worse, i.e. even drier hair. Dry, curly hair = frizzy, unmanageable hair.

Rule 2.) No silicones

Silicone ultimately dries out and damages your hair

You like that slick, slippery feeling your hair has right after you condition it, don't you? It just feels so nice and moisturized! That's the funny thing about silicones. They feel like they're moisturizing your hair, but what is actually happening is that your hair shafts are encased in the chemical. The slick feeling is the silicone, not your hair. The chemical minimizes (or eliminates) frizz because no moisture from the air can penetrate the silicone. Which sounds all well and good except no moisture can penetrate the silicone. So ultimately, your hair is going to dry out because nothing is going to get through the chemical barrier surrounding you hair shafts. Silicone is not water-soluble which means the only way you can get that gunk out (and get moisture in) is to use a cleanser like sulfate (see rule 1). And that is how we create a vicious cycle.

There is hope, though! You DO NOT NEED *either* of these chemicals to tame and control your wavy/curly hair! Don't listen to the commercials, don't read the glossy magazine ads - they *want* you to be dependent upon their products! So what do you do? How do you clean your hair? How do you condition your hair? Oh, my friend, welcome to my world...

I'm gonna keep blathering on about this and the basic how-to's (or how-not-to's) of curly girl hair care in another post - cause this is gettin' long and ridiculous.