Never Going to Fit In

A friend of mine visited me at work today with his 10 month old son. I haven't seen this friend in probably a year (we leave in the same city, but adult lives are busy) and had never met his son. It was such a fun visit, but the second they left the panic set in.

We were too loud. FAR too loud for this museum of an office.

We visited for too long, I know we did. I just miss my friend so much and his little boy was so cute. And I was only obsessing over the formatting of an excel spreadsheet when they came in, not exactly important work. Still, I know this was no 15 minute professionally acceptable personal visit.

Am I ever going to not feel this way? Will I ever let go of this dread. People are judging me, people are mad at me, I've done something *wrong*. This is what my brain is hammered with.

Is it because of my trauma inducing experience in my last job, or is it because of the "professional environment" of my current job? 

Why don't I fit in?? Will I ever fit in? Or am I just too damn loud, boisterous, and unprofessional?

I hate feeling this way. Paranoid. Small. Judged.

And I'm not sure if I am completely crazy or if some of this perception is accurate?

I don't know I don't know I don't know!

I just know I want to get out of here before someone sits me down to have a "talk"...