If Queen would follow me around singing this song it might actually make me feel slightly better. Just because I like the idea of my life having a soundtrack. Or Colin Hayes singing "Overkill", like on Scrubs - that would be acceptable too.
I don't want to be at work. I don't want to be anywhere. I want to be home, curled up on the couch in the fetal position, and preferably losing myself in some show on Netflix. This has not been a good week so far.
I was already under a little bit of stress. Nothing I couldn't handle, but I did notice it. M and I are doing a lot of research on adoption and trying to prepare ourselves to take the plunge and get started on the process in December. It is something that makes you question everything you thought you knew and whether or not you are even fit to be a parent.
Also, my parents are building a condo and selling their house. The condo will be finished next month and they *still* haven't put the house on the market. I have no idea how quickly it will sell, *if* it will sell. The market is still very confusing since the housing bust 6 years ago. There are plenty of other special stress points related to them moving as well. But I was managing. I was keeping things in perspective and not letting things I couldn't control upset me.
Besides, there were very big, very good changes coming. M had been told he was getting a promotion at work back in June. HR took forever with the paperwork. He was actually doing the job for a month and a half before they could formally offer it to him in writing. But we had been given some info in advance of the formal offer, like what his job title would be and what his salary range would be. The salary range was a huge jump for him. He alone would earn almost as much as we brought in together last year. We could pay off our debt! We could totally afford to adopt! Someday I could quit my job!
Except it was a lie because when the formal offer *finally* was made on Monday, the salary listed was a $6,000 raise. They are actually paying him less than the minimum salary for his job classification and earns less than the men that he now supervises. It was a completely unexpected punch to the gut. No explanation, no apology for the discrepancy in what they had said before. And all of our crazy fantasies about paying off our debt and affording adoption without obliterating our savings came crashing down.
Then yesterday came the sucker punch from nowhere that was the cherry to this shit sundae. M's mom decided out of nowhere that M was behaving disrespectfully and mean to her and without even trying to have a conversation and work it out, she wants to cut him out of her life forever. Which is to say that he and I and my whole family (who love her) and any future children we might have are cut out of her life forever. Over a minor misunderstanding that is so farcical I feel like we are trapped in a poorly plotted movie where the only drama arises from people just not TALKING TO EACH OTHER! This is such an abrupt change in her manner towards us that I am honestly worried she has a brain tumor or Alzheimer's or something.
And because my job is a total joke, I have nothing to do for the 8 hours everyday that I am trapped in my office except to think, worry, fret, catastrophize, and in all other ways stress myself the hell out about the insanity that has become my life. It is very hard to find people to talk to about these things because the people I would normally turn to are all too close to these situations that it is not fair to dump my stress on them when I know one or more of these problems is also stressing them out. You don't dump on people who are also going through it, you have to find someone removed from the situation who is not stressed by it. And that is really hard to find right now.
I don't just need a vacation. I need a coma. Or a life transplant. I want to run away from everything and come back only when I feel safe and capable of handling the shit that is coming at me from all angles at once.
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