Under Pressure

If Queen would follow me around singing this song it might actually make me feel slightly better. Just because I like the idea of my life having a soundtrack. Or Colin Hayes singing "Overkill", like on Scrubs - that would be acceptable too.

I don't want to be at work. I don't want to be anywhere. I want to be home, curled up on the couch in the fetal position, and preferably losing myself in some show on Netflix. This has not been a good week so far.

I was already under a little bit of stress. Nothing I couldn't handle, but I did notice it. M and I are doing a lot of research on adoption and trying to prepare ourselves to take the plunge and get started on the process in December. It is something that makes you question everything you thought you knew and whether or not you are even fit to be a parent.

Also, my parents are building a condo and selling their house. The condo will be finished next month and they *still* haven't put the house on the market. I have no idea how quickly it will sell, *if* it will sell. The market is still very confusing since the housing bust 6 years ago. There are plenty of other special stress points related to them moving as well. But I was managing. I was keeping things in perspective and not letting things I couldn't control upset me.

Besides, there were very big, very good changes coming. M had been told he was getting a promotion at work back in June. HR took forever with the paperwork. He was actually doing the job for a month and a half before they could formally offer it to him in writing. But we had been given some info in advance of the formal offer, like what his job title would be and what his salary range would be. The salary range was a huge jump for him. He alone would earn almost as much as we brought in together last year. We could pay off our debt! We could totally afford to adopt! Someday I could quit my job!

Except it was a lie because when the formal offer *finally* was made on Monday, the salary listed was a $6,000 raise. They are actually paying him less than the minimum salary for his job classification and earns less than the men that he now supervises. It was a completely unexpected punch to the gut. No explanation, no apology for the discrepancy in what they had said before. And all of our crazy fantasies about paying off our debt and affording adoption without obliterating our savings came crashing down.

Then yesterday came the sucker punch from nowhere that was the cherry to this shit sundae. M's mom decided out of nowhere that M was behaving disrespectfully and mean to her and without even trying to have a conversation and work it out, she wants to cut him out of her life forever. Which is to say that he and I and my whole family (who love her) and any future children we might have are cut out of her life forever. Over a minor misunderstanding that is so farcical I feel like we are trapped in a poorly plotted movie where the only drama arises from people just not TALKING TO EACH OTHER! This is such an abrupt change in her manner towards us that I am honestly worried she has a brain tumor or Alzheimer's or something.

And because my job is a total joke, I have nothing to do for the 8 hours everyday that I am trapped in my office except to think, worry, fret, catastrophize, and in all other ways stress myself the hell out about the insanity that has become my life. It is very hard to find people to talk to about these things because the people I would normally turn to are all too close to these situations that it is not fair to dump my stress on them when I know one or more of these problems is also stressing them out. You don't dump on people who are also going through it, you have to find someone removed from the situation who is not stressed by it. And that is really hard to find right now.

I don't just need a vacation. I need a coma. Or a life transplant. I want to run away from everything and come back only when I feel safe and capable of handling the shit that is coming at me from all angles at once.

Never Going to Fit In

A friend of mine visited me at work today with his 10 month old son. I haven't seen this friend in probably a year (we leave in the same city, but adult lives are busy) and had never met his son. It was such a fun visit, but the second they left the panic set in.

We were too loud. FAR too loud for this museum of an office.

We visited for too long, I know we did. I just miss my friend so much and his little boy was so cute. And I was only obsessing over the formatting of an excel spreadsheet when they came in, not exactly important work. Still, I know this was no 15 minute professionally acceptable personal visit.

Am I ever going to not feel this way? Will I ever let go of this dread. People are judging me, people are mad at me, I've done something *wrong*. This is what my brain is hammered with.

Is it because of my trauma inducing experience in my last job, or is it because of the "professional environment" of my current job? 

Why don't I fit in?? Will I ever fit in? Or am I just too damn loud, boisterous, and unprofessional?

I hate feeling this way. Paranoid. Small. Judged.

And I'm not sure if I am completely crazy or if some of this perception is accurate?

I don't know I don't know I don't know!

I just know I want to get out of here before someone sits me down to have a "talk"...

Childhood

There are a lot of little things throughout my day which cause me to flashback to a memory of my childhood. Usually these memories make me cringe, mentally.

I think childhood is really rather depressing, in general. And I don't mean to say that I was a sad or depressed child, because I don't think I was. I feel like a was a pretty happy kid for the most part. But childhood is so...rigid and constricting. You don't get to make a whole lot of choices for yourself. You don't know all the things you need to or wish you did. And for many situations you are totally at the mercy of the grown ups around you. That sounds so scary to me as an adult. And I don't mean you are at their mercy like they can hurt you or something bad like that. I just mean, as a kid, you don't know what you are supposed to do in a given situation, so you have to rely on your grown ups. If *they* don't really know what to do either, the situation can go badly and you're stuck in it and its not your fault. That doesn't sound very clear...

Maybe its my trust issues. I'm incredibly self-reliant to the point of stressing myself out because I refuse to delegate tasks to others. So thinking about being a child who *can"t* do things for herself just freaks me out and makes me sad. I think about times when I said or did something stupid. Obviously I know better now, but I wish I could go back in time and insert my grown up knowledge into the situation so I wouldn't feel pained when I recall the memory later.

I remember looooooong boring summers when I was trapped at home because my mom and dad both worked full time and I wasn't allowed to ride my bike very far from home (not until I was a teenager). Some of my friends lived across town so I couldn't play with them except on weekends when it was pre-arranged - even in the summer! I remember getting stomach aches over the thought of being stuck in school all day. What if I don't feel well? What if I look like an idiot in gym class? (Don't even get me started on gym class...)

Apparently, other people wish they could go back to being a kid, when they had "no responsibilities". I don't think of it that way at all. You couldn't pay me enough money to give up my independence and freedom, just to go back to a time when I didn't have a job or bills to pay. I will gladly take the job and the bills. And the internet.

Maybe that's the problem! When I was a kid, the internet was still very new. We didn't get a family PC until I was in the 5th or 6th grade. And even then, the internet was nothing like it is now. No social networking, no Google, no Wikipedia. There were AOL chat rooms and websites that you had to know the exact web address for. That was pretty much all I knew about. Plus, I only had one other friend who had a computer with the internet. You couldn't sit online all day, even if there had been cool websites or social networking - the modem (yep, the modem: *bingbongbing! Schreeeeeeeeech!*) tied up the phone line. The internet=freedom when you're stuck somewhere - doesn't matter if its a 10 year old stuck at home in the middle of summer or a business person stuck in an airport on an unexpectedly long layover. If you have the internet, you don't feel so claustrophobic.

Now, the younger me had no idea what she was missing out on, since Facebook and Wikipedia were still years away from even being conceived. But the adult me just can't handle the thought of how constricting and tiny my child world was. I would wonder about things all the time: how does this work, where is that country, why does that happen? The internet has the answers for me now, but then, I was just stuck wondering. How horrifying...

Gray Days, Gray Thoughts

I really wish the weather didn't impact my mood so much. This day is annoying enough without gray skies bringing me down. Its one of those days where every tasks sounds so simple, and then its anything but. And I can't figure out what the answers are because I don't understand what's wrong. That just keeps happening over and over today. It is so *frustrating*.

I'm used to working on a team of women who are like sisters to me. People who I can be very real with and be like "Am I just stupid? Because I'm not getting this." or "Is this actually a problem, or is this person just being obnoxiously picky and I can't make them happy?". There is nothing like that here. Not that I don't feel supported, not that people aren't friendly. But its not at all what I'm used to. So when something frustrates me, I don't have any of my old coping skills to fall back on. My co-workers *were* my coping mechanisms. Now what do I do? Just be frustrated until I figure this shit out I guess.

One positive thing I can say is this: Now that my interview with the investigation team looking into my old department is over, I think I can honestly say I'm tired of talking about what happened to me. Its so long, and stupid, and still unbelievable the things that were done, the things that were said, the way I was treated. And I'm just plain tired of reliving it. I didn't even cry during my 4 hour interview. I welled up once, but I didn't cry. I got good and mad though. I think that's progress, that I'm moving through the phases of processing my feelings and moving on. By the end of this year, I hope I don't give it a second thought. The people who hurt me don't deserve to make a lasting impression on me. They are petty, small people and I will not be weighed down by their memory.

Now to cheer myself out of this funk by listening to cheap, fluffy pop music...

Confession: I sing in the car

I don't mean just kind of be-bopping along to the music, maybe belting a line or two.

I mean I perform full on concerts in the car, emoting, making facial expressions, and generally looking a fool to other drivers, I'm sure. Do I care? Hell no! LOL! I absolutely love singing - it is probably my most favorite thing to do. If I couldn't sing, like became tone deaf or lost my voice suddenly, I would have to be talked of the ledge, that's how upset I would be. This is not to say I think I have the most amaaazing voice ever or anything. I'm actually really self conscious about singing in front of people unless I am performing on stage in a show. Basically, I don't mind if people watch me sing as a character, but I get very nervous about people watching ME, CurlySue, sing. Yeah, that's a little weird - feel free to arm chair psychologize me.

So, because I'm self-conscious about people watching me sing and because its generally socially unacceptable to go throughout your day emoting songs everywhere ( why *can't my life be a musical??), I sing in the car. This works out great for me since I have a 35 minute commute to and from work. Plenty of time to screech those high notes and pretend I'm performing in my favorite musical shows. If you're ever on the road and notice a driver who looks like they are yelling on their bluetooth and being overly expressive, they are probably a total nerd like me and singing their heart out in the car. Heck, maybe its even me!

Going Down a Hole

Its just one of those days where my emotional triggers are thick on the ground. And in the moment, I am fine, laugh it off, cope beautifully. Thirty minutes later I find that I've been sitting at my desk, useless, spacing out for far too long.

It was bad enough having to endure the annual parade of pregnant bellies at my doctor's office. That alone could have had me moody and picking at old mental scabs. But to make things even more fun, I got an email from a member of upper management in my old department. A person I once regarded as a friend and now as someone who stood by and did nothing while I was manipulated and abused in the office for months on end.

So I space out and let my thoughts drift back on everything painful that I am still fighting to recover from. I am so much more fragile than I want to be. I want to brush off these bad encounters. I want to stand up for myself and tell my doctor that her IVF lecture is not going to change my mind, so save it! Don't undermine months of my own thoughtful consideration and make it sound like I am making the wrong choice. I want to *not* be the polite and bigger person in my communications with my old department. I want to scream at them, all of them, that they should be ashamed for tearing apart my self confidence - and they can go to hell for all I care.

But the only place those scenarios will play out is in my head and on this page.

Doubt fills me up and there's no room for anything useful. The spreadsheets will quietly wait for me and the budget doesn't mind gathering dust for a day. I'm busy trying to wade my way through this mental quagmire and hoping to come out the other side where I know my choices are right for me and no one has the right to tell me how to feel or how to value myself.

And then I will contemplate filling out the survey related to all my horrible experiences with my old department and fall right back down the hole...

Curly Girl Part Deux

As a continuation of my informative rant on curly hair...

How does one reduce or eliminate sulfates and silicone from their hair routine and yet still clean and condition her hair?

First of all, train yourself to read ingredient labels. There are some shampoos out there that either have no, or at least less harsh, sulfates. These shampoos still clean your hair, I promise! They just don't strip your hair dry and that's a good thing. There are also conditioners that do not contain silicone (or other -cones). These conditioners still give you that lovely slippery feeling in your hair and guess what! Its actually moisturizing your hair as opposed to coating it in an impenetrable force-field! Excellent.

Second, you do not need to wash your hair everyday. You know the old instructions of 'lather, rinse, repeat?' Yeah, that gets you a one-way ticket to rats' nest city. Remember, curly hair doesn't get the natural oils all the way down the hair shaft. Try shampooing every other day and use waaaaay less shampoo than you are used to. Focus your cleansing efforts at the scalp because that is where the oils may build up on a curly head. The ends of your hair will be sufficiently cleansed by the shampoo rinsing through it as you rinse your hair after washing. Seriously. Some curly girls only shampoo once a week and I promise you, their head/hair does not look gross and greasy.

Had to throw in a Doctor Who reference

Third, and possibly most important, moisturize, moisturize, MOISTURIZE! That's not just frizz on your head - it is desperately dry hair crying out for moisture. You need to condition every time you shower (yep, even if you aren't washing that day). Some curly girls co-wash which means they use a
conditioner as a shampoo, basically. They use the conditioner to cleanse their hair - that is how important moisture is. Again, though, you have to be certain your conditioner contains no "-cones". I myself have a rinse-out conditioner, a leave-in conditioner, and jojoba oil. And I will use all three to ensure my hair is sufficiently moisturized for the day. Yeah.

Just say NO to brushing curly hair!

Fourth, back away from the brushes, fine-toothed combs, and hot tools! No sudden moves, no funny business! Now, we're gonna throw these things away or kindly donate them to someone who really does have straight hair. You're in curly girl world now, where your only tools are a WIDE-toothed comb and a hairdryer with a diffuser attachment. So help me, if you use a hairdryer *without* a diffuser, I will not be held responsible for how your hair punishes you! You can, of course, air dry your hair, but if you want/need to dry your hair faster, a diffuser is absolutely required. It allows the warm air to reach your hair without BLOWING IT EVERYWHERE and destroying your curl pattern.

Does this all sound complicated? I'd say its certainly easier than the on-going fight a lot of women have with their curly hair. When you stop fighting nature and just treat your curls with love, they will love you back (usually). Tending to curly hair is kind of like taking care of a cat: sometimes, out of nowhere, it bites your hand while you are petting it. For hair, the weather is often to blame for bad behavior days. For cats... Well, they're just ass holes sometimes.

I started following the Curly Girl Method in the summer of 2011 and I will NEVER go back to the old way of hair-care. My hair is so much more predictable and reliably good looking now. Before CG, I would spend 30-45 minutes on my hair every morning and I never knew what I was going to get. It might look amazing, it might look like my head had been attacked by a flock of birds. I hated that! Now, I generally know based on the weather what my issues may be for the day and I adjust my routine accordingly. 30 minutes of effort gets me a great head of hair, not a coin toss!

This is just a basic overview of the fundamentals of the Curly Girl Method. Anybody could find a wealth of information on the internet through discussion forums, social networking sites, and especially You Tube. Google is your friend. You can always tell a Curly Girl from someone who just happens to have curly hair because we tend to go all religious fanaticism about our hair care. But I wouldn't have it any other way! I may not have Taylor Swift hair, but I think my *real* curly hair is more interesting anyway :-)

Plus, curly girls get to enjoy funny stuff like this!