Shhhhhhhhhh

Never thought I'd start a second blog. But 2013 has been full of surprises and this is stupidly minor in comparison to the others. A little background and we'll proceed, yes?

I'm on the cusp of turning 30 *shudder* and, not for the first time, I find myself a rare GenX/Millenial in an office full of Baby Boomers. This is a big adjustment because for the past 5 and a half years, I worked in an office with two other GenX/Millenials. It. Was. Awesome. We were living proof that you could work and play and have a life and LIKE the people you work with *and* none of our shenanigans hurt our productivity. I wish every job could be as much fun, but that office had its dark side too. Our little slice of heaven came crashing down one day, quite suddenly. But that's a story for another day.

Here's a list of things that make me very different from my new co-workers:

I experience every emotion in full technicolor. At my last job, my co-workers actually gave me an award for having "the best reaction to anything" because my reactions to things are often big and over-the-top, but in an entertaining way. I don't know why I'm like this and I'm sure that some people view my behavior as "childish". But look, I've had a long time to grow up -and believe me, I have- and I still have these big reactions and feel my emotions with 100% of my being. I think this is just me. Me now, me when I'm 40, and probably me when I'm 50.

I frequently take my voice "to eleven" as Spinal Tap would say. Loud for me is probably "shutthefuckup!!" for other people. I have to make a conscious effort to speak at a "conversational volume" with people who don't know me and it is particularly challenging when the topic is of great interest to me. The more I like the topic, the louder I am likely to get and I don't even notice! I blame my parents for raising me in a noisy household where we yelled to be heard over each other as a common practice. (Okay, after typing all that, I get the feeling I am painting an image of myself as the lost member of fucking Honey-Boo-Boo's family, but I swear I am well educated and well spoken, not big and brash and garish. I just...have a volume control problem when I get excited, which is really easy to do).

I get really excited about very minor things. I squeal over new pens. I may perform an impromptu dance if I complete a particularly onerous task. I whoop and say things like "I am a computer GOD!" when I manage to bend an unwieldy software program to my will. Pretty sure I am the ONLY person in this office to make ANY vocalizations about my work that aren't part of a conversation with at least one other person. I would involve others in my whooping and hyperbolic self-congratulatory statements, but nobody really seems to get what that's all about...

I have worked in this office for 4 weeks now and I have been "hushed" no less than 3 times already. This is not a library or a morgue or anything. This is a normal, run of the mill office. But I get shushed for speaking at less than half volume (for me). I mean, even my "inside voice" is too loud here. I feel like I'm that asshole who laughs about something in the middle of a Holocaust museum! But our work is on the opposite end of the serious spectrum from "historical mass murders", I swear. Apparently silence=professionalism. For me, doing a damn good job and giving a shit about your work=professionalism. Never mind how you act while executing it. As long as your not a jerk.

I am not a jerk. I'm almost too friendly and helpful sometimes. I signed up to bring a dessert *and* a main dish to a carry-in we are having and a co-worker came to me saying I shouldn't feel pressured to bring a ton of stuff. Uhhhhh, I don't feel pressured at all. I like making food and feeding people. Especially around the holidays. And the dessert is so stupidly simple it is literally a step up from bringing store-bought cookies. Is the issue that other people think I'm making them look bad by "going above and beyond"? Who the fuck thinks about these things *that much*?

I yell things like FUCK! and SONOFABITCH! when I get frustrated by someone or something. I like to think that these verbal explosions keep me from being a *physically* explosive person. I really don't like real life violence. Except punching my husband's arm when he's being intentionally difficult.

I talk to inanimate objects *constantly*. Mostly electronics. Often when they are being insubordinate. This is common in my personal life, but its gotten pretty bad at work. I think I am replacing human interaction  with one-sided conversations with my computer and its many programs. At least they don't look at me like I'm a crazy person. Or do they?? Don't you make that face at me, HP Compaq LA2205wg monitor! You don't know me! You don't know my life!

I can't function without music or TV or a movie on - *some* kind of background noise! I am actually MORE productive at work with Netflix on than sitting is silence. True story. I single-handedly force Pandora to pay millions of dollars in fees for the music I listen to because it is on 40 hours a week, without fail. The one situation where I require silence: driving . I don't have time for your shit, Ke$ha - I'm lost!

The generational gap at work is compounded by the fact that I'm the only woman in the office without kids. Not for lack of trying, but its not my fault I'm a freak of nature as likely to get knocked up as the Virgin Mary. And its not like I don't like kids or don't have personal relationships with any small people. I have two nephews whom I adore and I was like a second mom to the older one when he was a baby. But I acknowledge that not living 24/7 with and being solely responsible for a small person means I have a certain lack of insight into the life of...."real adults". I sometimes think that if Husband and I never have kids, I will probably NEVER feel like an adult. I will certainly feel "old", as I do now when I make an 80'd reference and a college student doesn't get it, but "adult"?

Soooooo, what is the point of all this. Heck if I know. I just know I'm used to saying whatever I want, whenever I want and there will be a fellow cohort to hear and understand me. I don't have that environment anymore, but it doesn't mean I don't still have all these thoughts and noises and swear words bouncing around in my head trying to get out. I'm tired of making silent faces at my computer when it pisses me off. I'm tired of finding mature and diplomatic ways of expressing myself when all I want to say is "mother fucker, just answer my damn question!!!" I have no safe space to vent while I'm at work anymore, so maybe that's what this blog is. A safe space to vent my true reactions to the daily grind so I can stop quietly exploding at my desk, complete with bodily flailing because I can't make audible sounds.

Please to enjoy my explosions and flailing.