Its just one of those days where my emotional triggers are thick on the ground. And in the moment, I am fine, laugh it off, cope beautifully. Thirty minutes later I find that I've been sitting at my desk, useless, spacing out for far too long.
It was bad enough having to endure the annual parade of pregnant bellies at my doctor's office. That alone could have had me moody and picking at old mental scabs. But to make things even more fun, I got an email from a member of upper management in my old department. A person I once regarded as a friend and now as someone who stood by and did nothing while I was manipulated and abused in the office for months on end.
So I space out and let my thoughts drift back on everything painful that I am still fighting to recover from. I am so much more fragile than I want to be. I want to brush off these bad encounters. I want to stand up for myself and tell my doctor that her IVF lecture is not going to change my mind, so save it! Don't undermine months of my own thoughtful consideration and make it sound like I am making the wrong choice. I want to *not* be the polite and bigger person in my communications with my old department. I want to scream at them, all of them, that they should be ashamed for tearing apart my self confidence - and they can go to hell for all I care.
But the only place those scenarios will play out is in my head and on this page.
Doubt fills me up and there's no room for anything useful. The spreadsheets will quietly wait for me and the budget doesn't mind gathering dust for a day. I'm busy trying to wade my way through this mental quagmire and hoping to come out the other side where I know my choices are right for me and no one has the right to tell me how to feel or how to value myself.
And then I will contemplate filling out the survey related to all my horrible experiences with my old department and fall right back down the hole...
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Friday, December 6, 2013
Curly Girl Part Deux
As a continuation of my informative rant on curly hair...
How does one reduce or eliminate sulfates and silicone from their hair routine and yet still clean and condition her hair?
First of all, train yourself to read ingredient labels. There are some shampoos out there that either have no, or at least less harsh, sulfates. These shampoos still clean your hair, I promise! They just don't strip your hair dry and that's a good thing. There are also conditioners that do not contain silicone (or other -cones). These conditioners still give you that lovely slippery feeling in your hair and guess what! Its actually moisturizing your hair as opposed to coating it in an impenetrable force-field! Excellent.
Second, you do not need to wash your hair everyday. You know the old instructions of 'lather, rinse, repeat?' Yeah, that gets you a one-way ticket to rats' nest city. Remember, curly hair doesn't get the natural oils all the way down the hair shaft. Try shampooing every other day and use waaaaay less shampoo than you are used to. Focus your cleansing efforts at the scalp because that is where the oils may build up on a curly head. The ends of your hair will be sufficiently cleansed by the shampoo rinsing through it as you rinse your hair after washing. Seriously. Some curly girls only shampoo once a week and I promise you, their head/hair does not look gross and greasy.
Third, and possibly most important, moisturize, moisturize, MOISTURIZE! That's not just frizz on your head - it is desperately dry hair crying out for moisture. You need to condition every time you shower (yep, even if you aren't washing that day). Some curly girls co-wash which means they use a
conditioner as a shampoo, basically. They use the conditioner to cleanse their hair - that is how important moisture is. Again, though, you have to be certain your conditioner contains no "-cones". I myself have a rinse-out conditioner, a leave-in conditioner, and jojoba oil. And I will use all three to ensure my hair is sufficiently moisturized for the day. Yeah.
Fourth, back away from the brushes, fine-toothed combs, and hot tools! No sudden moves, no funny business! Now, we're gonna throw these things away or kindly donate them to someone who really does have straight hair. You're in curly girl world now, where your only tools are a WIDE-toothed comb and a hairdryer with a diffuser attachment. So help me, if you use a hairdryer *without* a diffuser, I will not be held responsible for how your hair punishes you! You can, of course, air dry your hair, but if you want/need to dry your hair faster, a diffuser is absolutely required. It allows the warm air to reach your hair without BLOWING IT EVERYWHERE and destroying your curl pattern.
Does this all sound complicated? I'd say its certainly easier than the on-going fight a lot of women have with their curly hair. When you stop fighting nature and just treat your curls with love, they will love you back (usually). Tending to curly hair is kind of like taking care of a cat: sometimes, out of nowhere, it bites your hand while you are petting it. For hair, the weather is often to blame for bad behavior days. For cats... Well, they're just ass holes sometimes.
I started following the Curly Girl Method in the summer of 2011 and I will NEVER go back to the old way of hair-care. My hair is so much more predictable and reliably good looking now. Before CG, I would spend 30-45 minutes on my hair every morning and I never knew what I was going to get. It might look amazing, it might look like my head had been attacked by a flock of birds. I hated that! Now, I generally know based on the weather what my issues may be for the day and I adjust my routine accordingly. 30 minutes of effort gets me a great head of hair, not a coin toss!
This is just a basic overview of the fundamentals of the Curly Girl Method. Anybody could find a wealth of information on the internet through discussion forums, social networking sites, and especially You Tube. Google is your friend. You can always tell a Curly Girl from someone who just happens to have curly hair because we tend to go all religious fanaticism about our hair care. But I wouldn't have it any other way! I may not have Taylor Swift hair, but I think my *real* curly hair is more interesting anyway :-)
Plus, curly girls get to enjoy funny stuff like this!
How does one reduce or eliminate sulfates and silicone from their hair routine and yet still clean and condition her hair?
First of all, train yourself to read ingredient labels. There are some shampoos out there that either have no, or at least less harsh, sulfates. These shampoos still clean your hair, I promise! They just don't strip your hair dry and that's a good thing. There are also conditioners that do not contain silicone (or other -cones). These conditioners still give you that lovely slippery feeling in your hair and guess what! Its actually moisturizing your hair as opposed to coating it in an impenetrable force-field! Excellent.
Second, you do not need to wash your hair everyday. You know the old instructions of 'lather, rinse, repeat?' Yeah, that gets you a one-way ticket to rats' nest city. Remember, curly hair doesn't get the natural oils all the way down the hair shaft. Try shampooing every other day and use waaaaay less shampoo than you are used to. Focus your cleansing efforts at the scalp because that is where the oils may build up on a curly head. The ends of your hair will be sufficiently cleansed by the shampoo rinsing through it as you rinse your hair after washing. Seriously. Some curly girls only shampoo once a week and I promise you, their head/hair does not look gross and greasy.
 |
| Had to throw in a Doctor Who reference |
conditioner as a shampoo, basically. They use the conditioner to cleanse their hair - that is how important moisture is. Again, though, you have to be certain your conditioner contains no "-cones". I myself have a rinse-out conditioner, a leave-in conditioner, and jojoba oil. And I will use all three to ensure my hair is sufficiently moisturized for the day. Yeah.
 |
| Just say NO to brushing curly hair! |
Does this all sound complicated? I'd say its certainly easier than the on-going fight a lot of women have with their curly hair. When you stop fighting nature and just treat your curls with love, they will love you back (usually). Tending to curly hair is kind of like taking care of a cat: sometimes, out of nowhere, it bites your hand while you are petting it. For hair, the weather is often to blame for bad behavior days. For cats... Well, they're just ass holes sometimes.
I started following the Curly Girl Method in the summer of 2011 and I will NEVER go back to the old way of hair-care. My hair is so much more predictable and reliably good looking now. Before CG, I would spend 30-45 minutes on my hair every morning and I never knew what I was going to get. It might look amazing, it might look like my head had been attacked by a flock of birds. I hated that! Now, I generally know based on the weather what my issues may be for the day and I adjust my routine accordingly. 30 minutes of effort gets me a great head of hair, not a coin toss!
This is just a basic overview of the fundamentals of the Curly Girl Method. Anybody could find a wealth of information on the internet through discussion forums, social networking sites, and especially You Tube. Google is your friend. You can always tell a Curly Girl from someone who just happens to have curly hair because we tend to go all religious fanaticism about our hair care. But I wouldn't have it any other way! I may not have Taylor Swift hair, but I think my *real* curly hair is more interesting anyway :-)
Plus, curly girls get to enjoy funny stuff like this!
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Curly Girl
Let's talk about hair for a minute. If you were born with stick straight hair, then you are rather a lucky one. I know straight haired women bemoan their lifeless locks, but seriously, you have no idea what it is like to be on the other side. I know curls *look* like fun, but the day in day out care taking of curls is a job in its own right. And besides, straight haired people can be curly on a whim anytime they want. There's only 157 different curling methods on Pinterest and Youtube ranging from hot rollers to socks overnight. We curly girls can't use any of those methods because they fuck with our natural curl pattern.
And then you've got folks like our lady Taylor Swift here - propagating lies about what "naturally curly hair" looks like. Fess up, Taylor! How many stylists and how many hours to achieve that look?? If you had to use curling irons, curlers, etc. then what we have here is not her natural curl pattern and therefore not an example of naturally curly hair.
Seems kind of silly how worked up I can get over hair, huh?
Well you're WRONG! - *ahem*...
Over the years I've become a kind of radical militant about the cause for naturally curly hair and how to care for it. You know why? Because the rest of the world - all the non-curlies out there- don't know dick about curly hair and yet still try to instruct us about what to do with our hair. ::swivels neck:: You don't *know* me! You don't know my life! That's right, I pulled out the sassy attitude. Because curly hair gets a bad rap in popular culture, advertising, and the media in general. Well I'm here to defend it and speak out the truth!
First of all, most people have *some* curl to their hair - be it the gentlest of wave pattern or super kinky-curly. If you call yourself straight-haired, but find yourself flat ironing out a natural wave or even frizz, you my friend are a curly-girl in denial. And that accounts for a LOT of people.
Right now, straight hair is the ideal, at least in American popular culture (I can't speak to other nations). I can't tell you how many magazine articles and morning/daytime talk shows I have come across that claim to show you how to tame your hair during the humid months of summer or whatever. They refer to waves and curls as "frizz". Stick straight is the way and if its not stick straight, then you man-handle that hair with tools and products until it IS stick straight! (By the way, a lot of the products and tools they tout can be really bad for your hair in the long run).
Am I sounding crunchy granola enough yet? Well just wait - it gets worse ;-)
The book Curly Girl: The Handbook Changed. My. Life. It opened my eyes to the fact that I had been trained to hate my curls by companies that bank off of our desperation to control them. Gels, Mousse, Shampoos, Conditioners, Waxes, Pomades...All full of moisture depriving sulfates, silicones, alcohols, and parabens. Bad BAD juju for curly hair. But we fall for the commercials and the photo ads. The empty promises that if we just use their products, we too can have Taylor Swift's mythical, perfectly coiffed hair. In reality, their products only serve to make our curls dehydrated, damaged, and angry. Oh so very angry.
So let's be real. Do you have "frizz"? Do you flat iron to get rid of your hair's natural wave? Are you a curly girl in denial? Its time to come out of the closet. Stop hating and abusing your hair and start loving it! Here's the deal:
Rule 1.) No sulfates.
Probably 90% of all shampoos on the market contain sulfates. These chemicals are extremely cheap and extremely harsh cleansers. Oh they cleanse alright - they remove every last drop of natural oil from your scalp and hair shafts. 'But,' you say, 'that's a good thing right? Oils are gross and dirty, that's why we wash our hair!' Well, yes and no. We need *some* oils on our hair or it dries out. Straight haired people (and yes, a lot of the lighter, wavy curly girls, too) have to wash their hair everyday because oils from the scalp slide on down the hair shaft unimpeded. Not so for those with curls. The oils don't travel down a curly hair shaft as easily so we tend to have dry hair. Washing with sulfates only makes the situation worse, i.e. even drier hair. Dry, curly hair = frizzy, unmanageable hair.
Rule 2.) No silicones
You like that slick, slippery feeling your hair has right after you condition it, don't you? It just feels so nice and moisturized! That's the funny thing about silicones. They feel like they're moisturizing your hair, but what is actually happening is that your hair shafts are encased in the chemical. The slick feeling is the silicone, not your hair. The chemical minimizes (or eliminates) frizz because no moisture from the air can penetrate the silicone. Which sounds all well and good except no moisture can penetrate the silicone. So ultimately, your hair is going to dry out because nothing is going to get through the chemical barrier surrounding you hair shafts. Silicone is not water-soluble which means the only way you can get that gunk out (and get moisture in) is to use a cleanser like sulfate (see rule 1). And that is how we create a vicious cycle.
There is hope, though! You DO NOT NEED *either* of these chemicals to tame and control your wavy/curly hair! Don't listen to the commercials, don't read the glossy magazine ads - they *want* you to be dependent upon their products! So what do you do? How do you clean your hair? How do you condition your hair? Oh, my friend, welcome to my world...
I'm gonna keep blathering on about this and the basic how-to's (or how-not-to's) of curly girl hair care in another post - cause this is gettin' long and ridiculous.
 |
| This is a fantasy - these curls do not occur in nature |
Seems kind of silly how worked up I can get over hair, huh?
Well you're WRONG! - *ahem*...
Over the years I've become a kind of radical militant about the cause for naturally curly hair and how to care for it. You know why? Because the rest of the world - all the non-curlies out there- don't know dick about curly hair and yet still try to instruct us about what to do with our hair. ::swivels neck:: You don't *know* me! You don't know my life! That's right, I pulled out the sassy attitude. Because curly hair gets a bad rap in popular culture, advertising, and the media in general. Well I'm here to defend it and speak out the truth!
First of all, most people have *some* curl to their hair - be it the gentlest of wave pattern or super kinky-curly. If you call yourself straight-haired, but find yourself flat ironing out a natural wave or even frizz, you my friend are a curly-girl in denial. And that accounts for a LOT of people.
Right now, straight hair is the ideal, at least in American popular culture (I can't speak to other nations). I can't tell you how many magazine articles and morning/daytime talk shows I have come across that claim to show you how to tame your hair during the humid months of summer or whatever. They refer to waves and curls as "frizz". Stick straight is the way and if its not stick straight, then you man-handle that hair with tools and products until it IS stick straight! (By the way, a lot of the products and tools they tout can be really bad for your hair in the long run).
 |
| Don't tell me straight is the standard for beauty. This hair is *gorgeous*! Can I scalp her and wear her hair?? |
Am I sounding crunchy granola enough yet? Well just wait - it gets worse ;-)
The book Curly Girl: The Handbook Changed. My. Life. It opened my eyes to the fact that I had been trained to hate my curls by companies that bank off of our desperation to control them. Gels, Mousse, Shampoos, Conditioners, Waxes, Pomades...All full of moisture depriving sulfates, silicones, alcohols, and parabens. Bad BAD juju for curly hair. But we fall for the commercials and the photo ads. The empty promises that if we just use their products, we too can have Taylor Swift's mythical, perfectly coiffed hair. In reality, their products only serve to make our curls dehydrated, damaged, and angry. Oh so very angry.
So let's be real. Do you have "frizz"? Do you flat iron to get rid of your hair's natural wave? Are you a curly girl in denial? Its time to come out of the closet. Stop hating and abusing your hair and start loving it! Here's the deal:
Rule 1.) No sulfates.
Probably 90% of all shampoos on the market contain sulfates. These chemicals are extremely cheap and extremely harsh cleansers. Oh they cleanse alright - they remove every last drop of natural oil from your scalp and hair shafts. 'But,' you say, 'that's a good thing right? Oils are gross and dirty, that's why we wash our hair!' Well, yes and no. We need *some* oils on our hair or it dries out. Straight haired people (and yes, a lot of the lighter, wavy curly girls, too) have to wash their hair everyday because oils from the scalp slide on down the hair shaft unimpeded. Not so for those with curls. The oils don't travel down a curly hair shaft as easily so we tend to have dry hair. Washing with sulfates only makes the situation worse, i.e. even drier hair. Dry, curly hair = frizzy, unmanageable hair.
Rule 2.) No silicones
 |
| Silicone ultimately dries out and damages your hair |
There is hope, though! You DO NOT NEED *either* of these chemicals to tame and control your wavy/curly hair! Don't listen to the commercials, don't read the glossy magazine ads - they *want* you to be dependent upon their products! So what do you do? How do you clean your hair? How do you condition your hair? Oh, my friend, welcome to my world...
I'm gonna keep blathering on about this and the basic how-to's (or how-not-to's) of curly girl hair care in another post - cause this is gettin' long and ridiculous.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
This is my Brain Without Sleep
The cat was a bastard and started meowing for food before 5a.m. today. That's not terribly early (I get up somewhere between 5:10 and 5:30), but it was enough to throw off my whole day.
The coffee-maker hasn't been washed in 3 days, so I wasn't gonna risk one more brew - yuck. That meant waiting until 7:45 to get my caffeine fix. It was a LARGE McD's coffee kinda morning. And even with that, I still walked into the office feeling less than human.
If my body actually physically resembled the way I feel in the morning without coffee, I would look like something out of The Walking Dead. And then AMC would have to send me a cease and desist order and I'd be all "Merrrrr....Raaaaah" (cause I'd be a zombie, of course). No, its best that I only look that way in my head.
Its not just the lack of sleep that's got me down, though. Its a lot of things that pile up at this time of year: lack of sunlight, too much to do and not enough time, cold all the time. And this year has some extra special emotional landmines: this is the first holiday season since my mom's accident that left her paralyzed, first holidays since Grandma died, and of course the ever-present baggage I'm still carrying around from my last job and how that all ended.
Today, that last item is really bothering me. I found a bunch of deleted voicemails on my cell phone (sidebar: why does my phone *keep* deleted messages in a special "deleted" folder?? Just fucking dump them for God's sake!) - several of which were from the former head of my former department. Just thinking about those messages sends a chill down my spine and makes my stomach clench. And then, my phone was glitching so it wouldn't let me mass delete all those "deleted" messages. Its like the phone is intentionally being a metaphor for how I can't seem to totally mentally delete all the bullshit I was put through but want so desperately to get past. Well played phone, well played ::grumble::
Let's just blame PMS for my mood, because that's convenient and does not require that I try to solve any problems in order to feel better. Just wait for your hormones to shift in a friendlier direction and voila!
I hope I'm feeling less doom and gloom by Thursday. The Husband and I are hosting Thanksgiving for our families for the first time ever and I'm very excited! I actually love the holidays, so all this moping is cutting into my prancing and carol singing - really not cool.
The coffee-maker hasn't been washed in 3 days, so I wasn't gonna risk one more brew - yuck. That meant waiting until 7:45 to get my caffeine fix. It was a LARGE McD's coffee kinda morning. And even with that, I still walked into the office feeling less than human.
If my body actually physically resembled the way I feel in the morning without coffee, I would look like something out of The Walking Dead. And then AMC would have to send me a cease and desist order and I'd be all "Merrrrr....Raaaaah" (cause I'd be a zombie, of course). No, its best that I only look that way in my head.
Its not just the lack of sleep that's got me down, though. Its a lot of things that pile up at this time of year: lack of sunlight, too much to do and not enough time, cold all the time. And this year has some extra special emotional landmines: this is the first holiday season since my mom's accident that left her paralyzed, first holidays since Grandma died, and of course the ever-present baggage I'm still carrying around from my last job and how that all ended.
Today, that last item is really bothering me. I found a bunch of deleted voicemails on my cell phone (sidebar: why does my phone *keep* deleted messages in a special "deleted" folder?? Just fucking dump them for God's sake!) - several of which were from the former head of my former department. Just thinking about those messages sends a chill down my spine and makes my stomach clench. And then, my phone was glitching so it wouldn't let me mass delete all those "deleted" messages. Its like the phone is intentionally being a metaphor for how I can't seem to totally mentally delete all the bullshit I was put through but want so desperately to get past. Well played phone, well played ::grumble::
Let's just blame PMS for my mood, because that's convenient and does not require that I try to solve any problems in order to feel better. Just wait for your hormones to shift in a friendlier direction and voila!
I hope I'm feeling less doom and gloom by Thursday. The Husband and I are hosting Thanksgiving for our families for the first time ever and I'm very excited! I actually love the holidays, so all this moping is cutting into my prancing and carol singing - really not cool.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Doctor? Doctor who?
Can we talk about Doctor Who real quick? Oh let's!
So, anyone looking at this blog will probably think one of three things:
1."Uh, why does this chick like police boxes so much that she decorated her blog with one? What even *is* a 'Police Call Box'?"
or
2. "Oh cool, she likes Doctor Who."
or
3. "OMFG, she likes Doctor Who??? I LOOOOVE DOCTOR WHO - WE ARE KINDRED SPIRITS!"
If a person's reaction is 2 or 3, I will instantly like them. If a person's reaction is 1, I will probably attempt to win them over to the Whovian side.
Whovians, as a fandom, are reaching a fevered pitch of anxiety, impatience, excitement, and apprehension - all at the same time. There are some *big* events happening in the world of Doctor Who before the end of 2013. The 50thAnniversaryOMGExtravaganza is THIS Saturday! Either you understand how much of a big deal this is or you are not people. Then, just in time for Christmas, the Doctor is going to regenerate and we will say goodbye to Matt Smith. He was my first Doctor, so I'm very sad about losing him and apprehensive about the actor chosen as the 12th (13th? Depends on who you ask) incarnation of the Doctor.
Ha! I love how that last paragraph makes perfect sense to me, but to most people I know it would sound like nonsensical gibberish. ;-) I blame Husband. He watched this show for years before I finally picked it up. Last year, the university I work for shut down between Christmas and New Year's, but my husband still had to go to his work. So I was home alone for several days in a row and the only thing on TV worth watching was a marathon of Doctor Who. What can I say? I got HOOKED. Now I'm a bigger fan than my husband.
It went a little something like this:
So, anyone looking at this blog will probably think one of three things:
1."Uh, why does this chick like police boxes so much that she decorated her blog with one? What even *is* a 'Police Call Box'?"
or
2. "Oh cool, she likes Doctor Who."
or
3. "OMFG, she likes Doctor Who??? I LOOOOVE DOCTOR WHO - WE ARE KINDRED SPIRITS!"
If a person's reaction is 2 or 3, I will instantly like them. If a person's reaction is 1, I will probably attempt to win them over to the Whovian side.
Whovians, as a fandom, are reaching a fevered pitch of anxiety, impatience, excitement, and apprehension - all at the same time. There are some *big* events happening in the world of Doctor Who before the end of 2013. The 50thAnniversaryOMGExtravaganza is THIS Saturday! Either you understand how much of a big deal this is or you are not people. Then, just in time for Christmas, the Doctor is going to regenerate and we will say goodbye to Matt Smith. He was my first Doctor, so I'm very sad about losing him and apprehensive about the actor chosen as the 12th (13th? Depends on who you ask) incarnation of the Doctor.
Ha! I love how that last paragraph makes perfect sense to me, but to most people I know it would sound like nonsensical gibberish. ;-) I blame Husband. He watched this show for years before I finally picked it up. Last year, the university I work for shut down between Christmas and New Year's, but my husband still had to go to his work. So I was home alone for several days in a row and the only thing on TV worth watching was a marathon of Doctor Who. What can I say? I got HOOKED. Now I'm a bigger fan than my husband.
It went a little something like this:
 |
| I did not draw this and I wish I knew who did |
Friday, November 15, 2013
Shhhhhhhhhh
Never thought I'd start a second blog. But 2013 has been full of surprises and this is stupidly minor in comparison to the others. A little background and we'll proceed, yes?
I'm on the cusp of turning 30 *shudder* and, not for the first time, I find myself a rare GenX/Millenial in an office full of Baby Boomers. This is a big adjustment because for the past 5 and a half years, I worked in an office with two other GenX/Millenials. It. Was. Awesome. We were living proof that you could work and play and have a life and LIKE the people you work with *and* none of our shenanigans hurt our productivity. I wish every job could be as much fun, but that office had its dark side too. Our little slice of heaven came crashing down one day, quite suddenly. But that's a story for another day.
Here's a list of things that make me very different from my new co-workers:
I experience every emotion in full technicolor. At my last job, my co-workers actually gave me an award for having "the best reaction to anything" because my reactions to things are often big and over-the-top, but in an entertaining way. I don't know why I'm like this and I'm sure that some people view my behavior as "childish". But look, I've had a long time to grow up -and believe me, I have- and I still have these big reactions and feel my emotions with 100% of my being. I think this is just me. Me now, me when I'm 40, and probably me when I'm 50.
I frequently take my voice "to eleven" as Spinal Tap would say. Loud for me is probably "shutthefuckup!!" for other people. I have to make a conscious effort to speak at a "conversational volume" with people who don't know me and it is particularly challenging when the topic is of great interest to me. The more I like the topic, the louder I am likely to get and I don't even notice! I blame my parents for raising me in a noisy household where we yelled to be heard over each other as a common practice. (Okay, after typing all that, I get the feeling I am painting an image of myself as the lost member of fucking Honey-Boo-Boo's family, but I swear I am well educated and well spoken, not big and brash and garish. I just...have a volume control problem when I get excited, which is really easy to do).
I get really excited about very minor things. I squeal over new pens. I may perform an impromptu dance if I complete a particularly onerous task. I whoop and say things like "I am a computer GOD!" when I manage to bend an unwieldy software program to my will. Pretty sure I am the ONLY person in this office to make ANY vocalizations about my work that aren't part of a conversation with at least one other person. I would involve others in my whooping and hyperbolic self-congratulatory statements, but nobody really seems to get what that's all about...
I have worked in this office for 4 weeks now and I have been "hushed" no less than 3 times already. This is not a library or a morgue or anything. This is a normal, run of the mill office. But I get shushed for speaking at less than half volume (for me). I mean, even my "inside voice" is too loud here. I feel like I'm that asshole who laughs about something in the middle of a Holocaust museum! But our work is on the opposite end of the serious spectrum from "historical mass murders", I swear. Apparently silence=professionalism. For me, doing a damn good job and giving a shit about your work=professionalism. Never mind how you act while executing it. As long as your not a jerk.
I am not a jerk. I'm almost too friendly and helpful sometimes. I signed up to bring a dessert *and* a main dish to a carry-in we are having and a co-worker came to me saying I shouldn't feel pressured to bring a ton of stuff. Uhhhhh, I don't feel pressured at all. I like making food and feeding people. Especially around the holidays. And the dessert is so stupidly simple it is literally a step up from bringing store-bought cookies. Is the issue that other people think I'm making them look bad by "going above and beyond"? Who the fuck thinks about these things *that much*?
I yell things like FUCK! and SONOFABITCH! when I get frustrated by someone or something. I like to think that these verbal explosions keep me from being a *physically* explosive person. I really don't like real life violence. Except punching my husband's arm when he's being intentionally difficult.
I talk to inanimate objects *constantly*. Mostly electronics. Often when they are being insubordinate. This is common in my personal life, but its gotten pretty bad at work. I think I am replacing human interaction with one-sided conversations with my computer and its many programs. At least they don't look at me like I'm a crazy person. Or do they?? Don't you make that face at me, HP Compaq LA2205wg monitor! You don't know me! You don't know my life!
I can't function without music or TV or a movie on - *some* kind of background noise! I am actually MORE productive at work with Netflix on than sitting is silence. True story. I single-handedly force Pandora to pay millions of dollars in fees for the music I listen to because it is on 40 hours a week, without fail. The one situation where I require silence: driving . I don't have time for your shit, Ke$ha - I'm lost!
The generational gap at work is compounded by the fact that I'm the only woman in the office without kids. Not for lack of trying, but its not my fault I'm a freak of nature as likely to get knocked up as the Virgin Mary. And its not like I don't like kids or don't have personal relationships with any small people. I have two nephews whom I adore and I was like a second mom to the older one when he was a baby. But I acknowledge that not living 24/7 with and being solely responsible for a small person means I have a certain lack of insight into the life of...."real adults". I sometimes think that if Husband and I never have kids, I will probably NEVER feel like an adult. I will certainly feel "old", as I do now when I make an 80'd reference and a college student doesn't get it, but "adult"?
Soooooo, what is the point of all this. Heck if I know. I just know I'm used to saying whatever I want, whenever I want and there will be a fellow cohort to hear and understand me. I don't have that environment anymore, but it doesn't mean I don't still have all these thoughts and noises and swear words bouncing around in my head trying to get out. I'm tired of making silent faces at my computer when it pisses me off. I'm tired of finding mature and diplomatic ways of expressing myself when all I want to say is "mother fucker, just answer my damn question!!!" I have no safe space to vent while I'm at work anymore, so maybe that's what this blog is. A safe space to vent my true reactions to the daily grind so I can stop quietly exploding at my desk, complete with bodily flailing because I can't make audible sounds.
Please to enjoy my explosions and flailing.
I'm on the cusp of turning 30 *shudder* and, not for the first time, I find myself a rare GenX/Millenial in an office full of Baby Boomers. This is a big adjustment because for the past 5 and a half years, I worked in an office with two other GenX/Millenials. It. Was. Awesome. We were living proof that you could work and play and have a life and LIKE the people you work with *and* none of our shenanigans hurt our productivity. I wish every job could be as much fun, but that office had its dark side too. Our little slice of heaven came crashing down one day, quite suddenly. But that's a story for another day.
Here's a list of things that make me very different from my new co-workers:
I experience every emotion in full technicolor. At my last job, my co-workers actually gave me an award for having "the best reaction to anything" because my reactions to things are often big and over-the-top, but in an entertaining way. I don't know why I'm like this and I'm sure that some people view my behavior as "childish". But look, I've had a long time to grow up -and believe me, I have- and I still have these big reactions and feel my emotions with 100% of my being. I think this is just me. Me now, me when I'm 40, and probably me when I'm 50.
I frequently take my voice "to eleven" as Spinal Tap would say. Loud for me is probably "shutthefuckup!!" for other people. I have to make a conscious effort to speak at a "conversational volume" with people who don't know me and it is particularly challenging when the topic is of great interest to me. The more I like the topic, the louder I am likely to get and I don't even notice! I blame my parents for raising me in a noisy household where we yelled to be heard over each other as a common practice. (Okay, after typing all that, I get the feeling I am painting an image of myself as the lost member of fucking Honey-Boo-Boo's family, but I swear I am well educated and well spoken, not big and brash and garish. I just...have a volume control problem when I get excited, which is really easy to do).
I get really excited about very minor things. I squeal over new pens. I may perform an impromptu dance if I complete a particularly onerous task. I whoop and say things like "I am a computer GOD!" when I manage to bend an unwieldy software program to my will. Pretty sure I am the ONLY person in this office to make ANY vocalizations about my work that aren't part of a conversation with at least one other person. I would involve others in my whooping and hyperbolic self-congratulatory statements, but nobody really seems to get what that's all about...
I have worked in this office for 4 weeks now and I have been "hushed" no less than 3 times already. This is not a library or a morgue or anything. This is a normal, run of the mill office. But I get shushed for speaking at less than half volume (for me). I mean, even my "inside voice" is too loud here. I feel like I'm that asshole who laughs about something in the middle of a Holocaust museum! But our work is on the opposite end of the serious spectrum from "historical mass murders", I swear. Apparently silence=professionalism. For me, doing a damn good job and giving a shit about your work=professionalism. Never mind how you act while executing it. As long as your not a jerk.
I am not a jerk. I'm almost too friendly and helpful sometimes. I signed up to bring a dessert *and* a main dish to a carry-in we are having and a co-worker came to me saying I shouldn't feel pressured to bring a ton of stuff. Uhhhhh, I don't feel pressured at all. I like making food and feeding people. Especially around the holidays. And the dessert is so stupidly simple it is literally a step up from bringing store-bought cookies. Is the issue that other people think I'm making them look bad by "going above and beyond"? Who the fuck thinks about these things *that much*?
I yell things like FUCK! and SONOFABITCH! when I get frustrated by someone or something. I like to think that these verbal explosions keep me from being a *physically* explosive person. I really don't like real life violence. Except punching my husband's arm when he's being intentionally difficult.
I can't function without music or TV or a movie on - *some* kind of background noise! I am actually MORE productive at work with Netflix on than sitting is silence. True story. I single-handedly force Pandora to pay millions of dollars in fees for the music I listen to because it is on 40 hours a week, without fail. The one situation where I require silence: driving . I don't have time for your shit, Ke$ha - I'm lost!
The generational gap at work is compounded by the fact that I'm the only woman in the office without kids. Not for lack of trying, but its not my fault I'm a freak of nature as likely to get knocked up as the Virgin Mary. And its not like I don't like kids or don't have personal relationships with any small people. I have two nephews whom I adore and I was like a second mom to the older one when he was a baby. But I acknowledge that not living 24/7 with and being solely responsible for a small person means I have a certain lack of insight into the life of...."real adults". I sometimes think that if Husband and I never have kids, I will probably NEVER feel like an adult. I will certainly feel "old", as I do now when I make an 80'd reference and a college student doesn't get it, but "adult"?
Soooooo, what is the point of all this. Heck if I know. I just know I'm used to saying whatever I want, whenever I want and there will be a fellow cohort to hear and understand me. I don't have that environment anymore, but it doesn't mean I don't still have all these thoughts and noises and swear words bouncing around in my head trying to get out. I'm tired of making silent faces at my computer when it pisses me off. I'm tired of finding mature and diplomatic ways of expressing myself when all I want to say is "mother fucker, just answer my damn question!!!" I have no safe space to vent while I'm at work anymore, so maybe that's what this blog is. A safe space to vent my true reactions to the daily grind so I can stop quietly exploding at my desk, complete with bodily flailing because I can't make audible sounds.
Please to enjoy my explosions and flailing.
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