Childhood

There are a lot of little things throughout my day which cause me to flashback to a memory of my childhood. Usually these memories make me cringe, mentally.

I think childhood is really rather depressing, in general. And I don't mean to say that I was a sad or depressed child, because I don't think I was. I feel like a was a pretty happy kid for the most part. But childhood is so...rigid and constricting. You don't get to make a whole lot of choices for yourself. You don't know all the things you need to or wish you did. And for many situations you are totally at the mercy of the grown ups around you. That sounds so scary to me as an adult. And I don't mean you are at their mercy like they can hurt you or something bad like that. I just mean, as a kid, you don't know what you are supposed to do in a given situation, so you have to rely on your grown ups. If *they* don't really know what to do either, the situation can go badly and you're stuck in it and its not your fault. That doesn't sound very clear...

Maybe its my trust issues. I'm incredibly self-reliant to the point of stressing myself out because I refuse to delegate tasks to others. So thinking about being a child who *can"t* do things for herself just freaks me out and makes me sad. I think about times when I said or did something stupid. Obviously I know better now, but I wish I could go back in time and insert my grown up knowledge into the situation so I wouldn't feel pained when I recall the memory later.

I remember looooooong boring summers when I was trapped at home because my mom and dad both worked full time and I wasn't allowed to ride my bike very far from home (not until I was a teenager). Some of my friends lived across town so I couldn't play with them except on weekends when it was pre-arranged - even in the summer! I remember getting stomach aches over the thought of being stuck in school all day. What if I don't feel well? What if I look like an idiot in gym class? (Don't even get me started on gym class...)

Apparently, other people wish they could go back to being a kid, when they had "no responsibilities". I don't think of it that way at all. You couldn't pay me enough money to give up my independence and freedom, just to go back to a time when I didn't have a job or bills to pay. I will gladly take the job and the bills. And the internet.

Maybe that's the problem! When I was a kid, the internet was still very new. We didn't get a family PC until I was in the 5th or 6th grade. And even then, the internet was nothing like it is now. No social networking, no Google, no Wikipedia. There were AOL chat rooms and websites that you had to know the exact web address for. That was pretty much all I knew about. Plus, I only had one other friend who had a computer with the internet. You couldn't sit online all day, even if there had been cool websites or social networking - the modem (yep, the modem: *bingbongbing! Schreeeeeeeeech!*) tied up the phone line. The internet=freedom when you're stuck somewhere - doesn't matter if its a 10 year old stuck at home in the middle of summer or a business person stuck in an airport on an unexpectedly long layover. If you have the internet, you don't feel so claustrophobic.

Now, the younger me had no idea what she was missing out on, since Facebook and Wikipedia were still years away from even being conceived. But the adult me just can't handle the thought of how constricting and tiny my child world was. I would wonder about things all the time: how does this work, where is that country, why does that happen? The internet has the answers for me now, but then, I was just stuck wondering. How horrifying...

Gray Days, Gray Thoughts

I really wish the weather didn't impact my mood so much. This day is annoying enough without gray skies bringing me down. Its one of those days where every tasks sounds so simple, and then its anything but. And I can't figure out what the answers are because I don't understand what's wrong. That just keeps happening over and over today. It is so *frustrating*.

I'm used to working on a team of women who are like sisters to me. People who I can be very real with and be like "Am I just stupid? Because I'm not getting this." or "Is this actually a problem, or is this person just being obnoxiously picky and I can't make them happy?". There is nothing like that here. Not that I don't feel supported, not that people aren't friendly. But its not at all what I'm used to. So when something frustrates me, I don't have any of my old coping skills to fall back on. My co-workers *were* my coping mechanisms. Now what do I do? Just be frustrated until I figure this shit out I guess.

One positive thing I can say is this: Now that my interview with the investigation team looking into my old department is over, I think I can honestly say I'm tired of talking about what happened to me. Its so long, and stupid, and still unbelievable the things that were done, the things that were said, the way I was treated. And I'm just plain tired of reliving it. I didn't even cry during my 4 hour interview. I welled up once, but I didn't cry. I got good and mad though. I think that's progress, that I'm moving through the phases of processing my feelings and moving on. By the end of this year, I hope I don't give it a second thought. The people who hurt me don't deserve to make a lasting impression on me. They are petty, small people and I will not be weighed down by their memory.

Now to cheer myself out of this funk by listening to cheap, fluffy pop music...

Confession: I sing in the car

I don't mean just kind of be-bopping along to the music, maybe belting a line or two.

I mean I perform full on concerts in the car, emoting, making facial expressions, and generally looking a fool to other drivers, I'm sure. Do I care? Hell no! LOL! I absolutely love singing - it is probably my most favorite thing to do. If I couldn't sing, like became tone deaf or lost my voice suddenly, I would have to be talked of the ledge, that's how upset I would be. This is not to say I think I have the most amaaazing voice ever or anything. I'm actually really self conscious about singing in front of people unless I am performing on stage in a show. Basically, I don't mind if people watch me sing as a character, but I get very nervous about people watching ME, CurlySue, sing. Yeah, that's a little weird - feel free to arm chair psychologize me.

So, because I'm self-conscious about people watching me sing and because its generally socially unacceptable to go throughout your day emoting songs everywhere ( why *can't my life be a musical??), I sing in the car. This works out great for me since I have a 35 minute commute to and from work. Plenty of time to screech those high notes and pretend I'm performing in my favorite musical shows. If you're ever on the road and notice a driver who looks like they are yelling on their bluetooth and being overly expressive, they are probably a total nerd like me and singing their heart out in the car. Heck, maybe its even me!